In the hilarious short film 'Dead Clean' two of the characters, Dill and Laura, mention that they have indulged in the art of nostril tupping. We get sackloads of mail on a weekly basis asking "What is nostril tupping ?" "How safe is "nostril tupping" ?" "How do you spell "nostril tupping"? and pointing out that the UK currently heads the global league for nostril tup-related fatalities. So before you "nip off for a quick NT" please read this:
The Nostril Tuppers Guide:
1 penis. [Attached to a nose stud muffin]
1 working nostril. (2 is common, but at entry level one will suffice)
The head of the penis – the glans – is incredibly sensitive with over 5m receptors per square cm.
The aperture of the average human nasal cavity – the nostril or nares – is 1.125 cm in diameter.
During foreplay, usually prior to the actual tup, the glans should be manipulated so as to frictively activate the septum mobile nasi, the nasal cavity rim and the outer reaches of the vestibule.
It is recommended that the glans be frictively oscillated with septum and nares at a rate of 12.5 flamms per second describing a small circular motion of between 7 and 425 revolutions per minute. These can be either clocked or anti-clocked depending on preference and religion. (Some marriages have been sustained beyond their logical boredom threshold by the simple act of changing direction every five or so years.)
Alternatively the glans aperture – the meatus - may be frictively oscillated against the septum at a recommended rate of no more than 27 flamms per second [or fire may ensue].
NB: Unless the nostril owner is in a mucoid state – or has rhinorhea - usually due to a cold or other ill health – ABSOLUTELY NO PENETRATIVE ACTIVITY should be attempted at this stage.
Once foreplay has ceased it is time to move towards the tup itself. If mucous is not detectable to the naked eye or finger - a decent lube, butter or light grade engine oil MUST BE APPLIED LIBERALLY at this stage. The consequences of a dry tup are hideous and well documented. [see footnotes*].
Now you are ready to nostril tup.
Place the glans at an angle of 45 degrees to the ramp of the dorsal septum – or 55 degrees if the tuppee is lying down. Do not exceed 60 degrees or the tupper will fail to achieve full intranostril containment and may experience a sense of disillusion or depression. NEVER APPROACH A NOSTRIL HEAD ON. The ramming action of an engorged phallus can produce over 337 pounds per square inch of pressure [the same as a bite from a Great White !] and this coupled with the vacuum potential inherent in any unsupervised tup can cause extensive pulverisation of the cartilage of the sinus. In some well documented cases destroying it altogether. [see footnotes**]
Once tupping away the tupper may continue unabated, or with minor beverage breaks, for up to three days depending on work and family commitments. If these instructions are followed there should be absolutely no ill or side effects to the tuppee or their maxilo facial structure. It is a healthy and vigorous way to spend a weekend and requires next to no contraception.
Happy tupping !
[Note to severe or addicted cocaine abusers. Stop it.]
*A.B.Johnson – ‘Tupping in the Gobi. A study’ Princeton Univ Press. 1967. 3rd edition.
**Prof D.Haquani. ‘The Nostril. The Temple’. Brixton Poly. [Thesis and monograph] Aug 2004.
Look out for research notes on advanced techniques;– ‘Two Smokin’ Barrels’ in The Lancet Summer Special 2006.